Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
