I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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