Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
