mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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