just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
