Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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