my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So many bounce houses so little time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
