my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
