my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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