You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
