What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
