so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
