oh god the rape fog is back!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
