you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet