just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My breasts were aching with rage.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
