that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
