So drunk its hurt
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
