did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
