so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
