You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
