If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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