First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
