I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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