i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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