If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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