Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
