He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
