too bad you live with your parents still
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
