Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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