I met the friendliest cop last night
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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