I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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