I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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