I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
