She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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