i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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