I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
