My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
