bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
