I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
