your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
