My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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