Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?