My friends, they love my intelligence
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"