Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
