I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She said her name was "party"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
