I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
