I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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