When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Who died my cat blue again?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
