Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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