you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
