I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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