Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i've created a new STD.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
