I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
