i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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