the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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