last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
