I need to stop coming to work sober
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
