So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
