i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
