I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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