my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
