She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
