you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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