Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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