I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
