i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
