Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am naked and annoyed.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
